You're vacationing with your spouse or significant other. It's late at night and you've just finished watching an "in-room" movie. Time to go to bed.

"Turn out the lights, will you, dear?"

Certainly. Where's the remote control for that lamp?

"Beside you, dear. Would you turn the air conditioning up a bit? It's getting a bit stuffy in here."

No problem.

"That microwave popcorn was really tasty. It was nice of you to have the chilled wine, too."

You're welcome, sweety.

"Oh, dear - one more thing. Did you put water in the coffee maker so it'll be ready first thing when we wake up?"

Absolutely.

"Night-night."

• ??

So, in what hotel or lodge are you staying?

You aren't. You're in a tent pitched in the woods 10 miles from the nearest house. You are roughing it.

Camping - even for those of us who still prefer tents to bus-size motorhomes - will never be the same. That thought occurred to me last weekend, as I was leafing through a newspaper insert from Cabela's. Inside I found that, for $70, I can buy an air conditioner for my tent.

It has been possible to watch movies on your laptop computer for some time. Ditto for coffee makers that plug into your car's cigarette lighter. Battery powered wine chillers are nothing new. The 12-volt portable microwave (20 pounds, with carrying handle, $200 at Cabela's), the battery-powered shower ($30 unless you want hot water, which is $180) and the remote controlled camping lantern ($40 at Sears) are relatively new. So is the Coleman lantern with radio and cell phone charger (also $40 at Sears).

Throw in a portable generator for $150 or so, and there's no reason you can't have all the comforts of home in the wilderness. Heck, if you've got a buddy to carry the satellite dish and converter box, you can have 200 channels of television at the campsite.

Remember, though, that in buying all these essentials, you'll need to hold back a few bucks to get a really stylish tent. You may have to shop around to get a color that coordinates well with your car. Trust me, though, it can be done.

Remember throwing the old khaki-colored tent and a couple of sleeping bags, along with some pots and pans from the kitchen and an ax into the car and going camping? Neither do I. That sounds positively uncivilized. I mean, how would you cook food? What if you couldn't find a place to buy firewood? You'd be stuck out in the forest with nothing out of which to make a fire.

But seriously, now. Some of the modern camping conveniences sound as if they could have avoided some serious problems back in the day. For example, some friends of mine were camping years ago. They were far out in th woods, and it was restroom time for two young ladies in the group.

Just walk out into the woods and find a log, the womenfolk were advised.

Minutes later, I'm told, they came running back through the brush, clearly alarmed. "He was watching us," one explained.

You may imagine the anger felt by my friend. He grabbed a stout stick. Justice would be meted out swiftly and severely. What did the offender look like?

He was very large, and brown, and had antlers.

As I advised my friend, collapsing in laughter is not the diplomatic reaction to being told of a peeping buck.

But all of this could have been avoided, had they stopped at a Cabela's and purchased, for a mere $12.99, the "Little John Portable Urinal and Female Adapter" and the "Fold-a-Privy" for $50.

See - progress is good.

I'll see you in the woods. Just as soon as I can make that dratted GPS in the car work.

Mike Myer can be reached at: Myer@news-register.net.